Babygirl

Exploring Vulnerable Intimacy and BDSM

Over the past few weeks, countless people have asked me what I think about the film Babygirl, written and directed by Halina Reijn. And I must say that I fucking love it! Sure, it’s not perfect, but what is? What Babygirl lacks is more than made up for by it’s a raw, compelling exploration of BDSM, vulnerability, and the complexities of human desire. The film doesn’t shy away from uncomfortable truths about control, pleasure and the beautiful process of self-discovery. There is so much to appreciate about Babygirl, but in this blog post I will focus on how real the film felt. Specifically, how true to life the relationship between Romy and her husband, Jacob, felt and the authenticity of Romy and Samuel’s BDSM journey.  

***Warning: Spoilers Ahead!***

Romy and Jacob’s Relationship

The Orgasm Gap

The opening scene sets the tone of secrecy and vulnerability which pervades the rest of the film. Babygirl opens at the end of a tasteful and romantic sexual encounter between Romy and her husband Jacob. The scene is embellished with whispered, “I love you’s” gentle face caresses, and orgasm – at least for Jacob, anyway. Within a minute of Jacob’s climax, Romy is running down the hallway to the privacy of her office where she lays on the floor to watch porn while masturbating on her belly. Almost too quietly to hear, “babygirl” is whispered by an actor on Romy’s laptop. Covering her mouth with her hand, Romy muffles her orgasm. 

The scene captures an all-too-common reality: the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women. Ninety-five percent of heterosexual men orgasm consistently during partnered sexual encounters, while only 65% of heterosexual women reach climax on a regular basis with their partners. The percentage of regular orgasms goes up significantly for queer women. Many women provide themselves with orgasm after sex with their male partners, either in a separate room or with their partner passively watching.

Later, we learn that Romy has never had an orgasm with her husband, a revelation that is also unfortunately common. For Romy, the issue isn’t just Jacob’s lack of attentiveness but her own struggle to ask for what she wants. This requires vulnerability and trust—two things sorely missing in their relationship. The disconnect in their intimacy speaks to a larger cultural issue: the lack of open communication about female pleasure and needs.

Yet, how could Jacob not know that his wife has never experienced an orgasm with him? Women often perform orgasms for their male partners as part of a societal narrative that centers male pleasure and male competence. Female orgasm has become a performance in heterosexual culture—a validation for men rather than a genuine expression of female pleasure and fulfillment. All of this context is established in the first minutes of the film, introducing the heroine’s quest for pleasure.

The Vulnerability of Female Orgasm

Many women struggle to orgasm with a male partner because it requires that they allow themselves to focus inward rather than perform for their partner’s pleasure. Orgasm also requires a level of vulnerability or loss of control many women find uncomfortable. Finally, it requires one or both partners knowing how to get the orgasm to happen which often requires a combination of the right physical stimulation plus some kind of psychological arousal.

Romy’s husband, Jacob, is intelligent, accomplished, and outwardly devoted to her. But beneath the surface, their relationship is riddled with issues. Jacob’s past infidelities and obliviousness to Romy’s needs reveal a man who is emotionally unavailable and self-centered. His reaction to Romy’s confession about her desires is heart wrenching. Desperate for safety and acceptance, while she unravels, Romy finally works up the courage to be vulnerable with Jacob and he shames her for her fantasies then berates her for having an affair, despite his own history of cheating. His lack of empathy underscores why Romy never felt safe sharing her needsin the marriage – because it was not emotionally safe for her.

The Hopeful Ending

The final scene, where Jacob attempts to replicate Romy’s earlier orgasm with Samuel (more on that later), gave me hope for their marriage. Many marriages face hardships such as infidelity, and sexual incompatibility; the marriages that manage to stay intimate and connected through such hardships all have partners who both put in the effort. While still visibly uncomfortable with Romy’s desires, Jacob nervously laughs while he helps Romy get into the position she favors to be pleasured. This scene is so beautiful because they each are so vulnerable and are clearly trying to build safety in their vulnerability with each other.

While Jacob will never be the Dominant that Romy craves, she is still able to get some of her D/s needs met through the combination of his much milder attempts and her own fantasies. While Jacob pleases Romy with his hands, she fantasizes about Samuel, and this isn’t a betrayal. Many people believe that fantasizing about someone else, other than your partner is cheating and I could not disagree more vehemently. Our own minds must be a safe space to explore whatever we wish. If we are not free to think and feel whatever we want, then we are not free at all. Judging or censoring another person’s inner world does not breed trust, safety or vulnerable connection – it just creates more shame and secrets. The fact that Romy and Jacob are working on their intimacy is a testament to their commitment to each other. Romy’s ability to communicate her needs and Jacob’s willingness to learn mark a significant step forward for their relationship. How Romy chose to get her needs met with her husband during that scene was beautiful, and left me with a sense of hope about their future exploration together. 

Romy and Samuel’s BDSM Journey

Realistic Depictions of BDSM Exploration

Like I stated before, what struck me most about Romy and Samuel’s relationship is how real it felt. As someone who works with people exploring BDSM for the first time, this depiction resonated deeply. What is clear at the beginning of their relationship is that they both have darker desires that neither have explored, yet they are able to sense an energetic compliment in each other. They face the unknown together, figuring things out as they go. Their journey is messy, imperfect, and filled with missteps—but that’s exactly what makes it authentic. Perfection in BDSM, as in life, can only be achieved through exploration and practice.

Midway through Babygirl, Samuel reflects on his dynamic with Romy, saying, “It feels like we are two kids playing.” This line encapsulates the heart of BDSM. At its best, BDSM is a playful exploration that satisfies participants while bonding them through experimentation and collaboration. Samuel’s insight into the joy and freedom of their dynamic was deeply moving.

In moving towards their darker desires, Samuel is the one who first takes the vulnerable risks, exposing his desires to Romy. This gamble demonstrates Samuel’s confidence in his intuition and his ability to read Romy’s interest. The best dominants are highly intuitive and trust themselves, while still making sure their submissives have some kind of stopgap like a safeword. Romy, on the other hand, is constantly second-guessing herself. But over time, Samuel’s persistence and calm presence soothe her anxieties.

Their first intentional D/s scene in the dirty motel had me on the edge of my seat. It felt like watching two clients exploring BDSM together for the first time. While I would have preferred that they establish consent, limits, and safewords beforehand, their interactions still felt safe and consensual. This atmosphere of safety was created with Samuel’s pacing and focus during their encounter. Samuel was trying to give Romy the experience he believed she wanted, experimenting and adjusting as he went. Every time Romy resisted, Samuel soothed her and tried something new. His persistence and ability to stay present with her emotions—confusion, disappointment, embarrassment—facilitated her eventual surrender.

Samuel’s inherent dominance was exceptionally demonstrated with his capacity to hold space for Romy despite her emotions and behavior. Samuel’s experimentation finally yields a positive result when he has Romy crawl towards him to eat the candy out of his hand. He then celebrates their success by rewarding Romy with pleasure. Samuel does not prioritize his pleasure or orgasm during their first experience, instead he gives pleasure to Romy. This scene, for Samuel, was about establishing their D/s connection and making the experience good for Romy. He rewarded her for submitting after taking his time to learn about her.

As she approaches her orgasm, Romy feels like she’s going to pee and asks Samuel to stop. This is a common fear among women—a fear of losing control, squirting, or being too much. Nevertheless, Samuel persists, holding space for her discomfort and reassuring her. When Romy finally orgasms, she has a gorgeous, cathartic emotional release. She sobs, and Samuel holds her without asking what’s wrong or trying to fix it. This moment is a masterclass in dominance: creating a safe space where all emotions are valid and accepted.

A final standout moment from their first encounter was when Samuel had Romy stand in the corner so he could recenter himself. This is a tool I’ve used as a dominant, and it’s incredibly effective when emotions run high. He was present enough to understand that something needed to change, but too inexperienced to transition to another activity, so he trusted his instincts and gave himself a moment to think. 

Samuel’s Confidence: The Hallmark of Dominance

Samuel is the embodiment of calm, steadfast confidence. From the very beginning, his presence is magnetic. The first scene in which Samuel is introduced with the scary dog, he remains calm and centered in an emotionally charged situation. This scene is a subtle but powerful demonstration of his ability to stay centered and calm while inspiring trust. This is a cornerstone of masterful dominance in BDSM: the ability to remain grounded and confident, which allows others to relax and surrender.

Throughout the film, Samuel uses terms like “good girl” and “babygirl,” expressions of praise and ownership that resonate deeply with Romy. She craves validation and affirmation in every aspect of her life—from her career to her role as a wife and mother. This is reflected in the extreme measures she takes to maintain her appearance: Botox, cryotherapy, cold plunges, and more. Samuel’s praise fulfills a need that has long gone unmet. Samuel intuits Romy’s need for validation and offers it to her through endearments like, “babygirl” but also through consistent praise and unwavering attention when they play together.

Lack of Boundaries and Informed Consent

Unfortunately, at different points in Babygirl, both Samuel and Romy cross major boundaries. Samuel shows up at Romy’s house and interacts with her family—a massive violation of trust. Romy, in turn, surprises Samuel at his bartending job, leading to an awkward confrontation and strong boundary-setting on Samuel’s part.

Their conversation about rules, boundaries, and consent was initially promising. I was mentally cheering as they finally began discussing these critical aspects of BDSM. But my cheers quickly turned to horror when the only boundary they established was that Romy had to do everything Samuel said. I might have yelled, “No,” in the theater and been shushed. This dynamic of the submissive having to do everything the Dominant says might work in a sexual context, but it’s unsustainable and harmful outside the bedroom, unless there is a full and clear 24/7 contract established.

Samuel’s subsequent blackmail of Romy—threatening to expose their affair—destroys any semblance of consent in their relationship. While this adds dramatic tension to the film, it’s a sobering reminder that true consent must be informed, ongoing, and free from coercion.

Babygirl is a bold and provocative exploration of intimacy, desire, and the complex layers of vulnerability that come with embracing one’s deepest longings. Through Romy and Jacob’s faltering yet hopeful efforts to rebuild their connection, and Romy and Samuel’s imperfect but transformative BDSM journey, the film highlights the beauty and messiness of human vulnerability. While it stumbles in some areas, particularly around issues of consent and boundaries, Babygirl succeeds in portraying BDSM not as a one-dimensional spectacle but as a deeply personal and emotional experience. The film serves as a powerful reminder that love, trust, and pleasure are ongoing processes of negotiation and growth. For those willing to look beyond the flaws, Babygirl is an invitation to reflect on the courage it takes to confront our desires and share them with others—a journey that is as painful as it is beautiful.