When Someone You love Isn’t Kinky

Discovering that you are significantly kinkier than your partner can bring up a complex mix of emotions. Excitement about your desires may quickly turn into disappointment, frustration, or even loneliness if your partner isn’t interested in exploring BDSM or kink to the same degree. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or that you must suppress an essential part of yourself. There are multiple ways to navigate this discrepancy, from processing your emotions to finding creative ways to explore your desires, to negotiating with compassion and curiosity.

Here’s how to cope when your partner isn’t as kinky as you are.

Processing Disappointment

Before jumping to solutions, it’s important to acknowledge and process your disappointment. Realizing that your partner doesn’t share your level of interest in kink can feel like a loss, and grief is a natural part of working through your disappointment.

How you process these feelings and communicate them constructively will greatly impact your long-term intimacy with your partner. Start by allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or even resentful. Consider journaling or talking with a trusted friend, therapist, or kink-friendly coach who can help you work through your emotions without blaming or pressuring your partner.

Reframing your perspective can also be helpful. Instead of seeing your partner’s lack of kinkiness as a rejection of you, try to view it as a difference in preference -- much like differing tastes in music or food. Your partner may deeply love and desire you but simply not connect with kink in the same way. This shift in mindset can reduce feelings of personal rejection and help you approach the situation with a clearer head. For instance, I cannot stand jazz music, but I support my friends in their appreciation of it.

When Your Partner Used to Be Kinky but Isn’t Anymore

Understanding a partner who once shared your kinks or even initiated them, but has lost interest over time, can be a confusing and painful experience. This shift can feel like rejection, leaving you wondering what changed and whether it’s a reflection of their feelings for you.

There are many reasons why someone’s interest in kink might diminish over time, including:

Life Stressors: Work, family responsibilities, mental health struggles, or major life transitions can impact libido and kink enthusiasm. Sometimes, kink requires a level of emotional and mental bandwidth that a person simply doesn’t have during stressful times.

Shifting Desires: Just as tastes in food or music can evolve, so can sexual and kink interests. Your partner can still love you but have different core desires.

Unresolved Emotional Baggage: There are many aspects of long-term relationships that can impact how your partner feels about certain sexual activities. If you have had a negative or harmful experience, and your partner has not fully processed those emotions, it can create a subconscious aversion to kink or sex in general.

Hormonal or Physical Changes: Aging, pregnancy, menopause, or medical conditions can all impact libido and sexual preferences. What was once thrilling may no longer hold the same appeal.

Kink as Novelty or Exploration: Some people engage in kink as part of an exploratory phase in their life, and once they’ve satisfied their curiosity, they may feel less drawn to it. In fact, your partner may be much more into novelty than kink, and once they did it a few times, the novelty was lost. Repeat requests for kinky activities that they used to engage in, may now be met with feelings of pressure or apathy. 

If your partner’s change in kink interest is causing tension, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. Instead of asking, “Why don’t you do this anymore?” try, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been exploring kink as much lately. How do you feel about that?” This opens the door for honest communication without making them feel defensive.

Even if they no longer identify as kinky in the way they once did, there may be compromises or alternative ways to bring intimacy and playfulness into your relationship.

Getting Your Needs Met Through Fantasy

If you’re not able to physically explore your kinks with your partner, fantasy can be a powerful way to keep your desires alive and vibrant. Fantasy is a deeply personal and legitimate way to experience pleasure. Solo play, kinky porn, erotic literature, and even writing your own naughty stories can help bridge the gap between your reality and your desires. Engaging with your fantasies through masturbation or immersive roleplay in your mind can provide fulfillment, even if you aren’t acting them out physically.

Some couples also enjoy incorporating fantasy into their relationship without actual physical participation. Your partner might be comfortable hearing about your fantasies, watching you engage in kinky solo play, or dirty talking about taboo scenarios. Even if they don’t want to act out the scenes, engaging verbally or mentally can be a way to share intimacy while respecting both of your boundaries.

Outsourcing Your Kinky Needs

For some, the best way to navigate a kink gap in a relationship is to explore outsourcing their kinky desires. This can mean different things for different people, and what feels ethical and comfortable will vary depending on the agreements within your relationship.

One common option is engaging in kink-related communities, either online or in person. Attending munches, workshops, or BDSM social events can provide a sense of connection with like-minded individuals and an outlet for discussing your interests without placing pressure on your partner.

For others, outsourcing might mean engaging in play with a professional, such as a dominatrix or kink coach. These professionals provide safe and consensual experiences for those who want to explore kink without it affecting their primary romantic relationship.

Some couples may even agree on an ethically non-monogamous arrangement where one partner has permission to explore certain kinks with others. Whether this involves a one-time experience or a long-term dynamic with another person, clear communication, negotiation, and boundaries are essential to making such an arrangement work without harming the core relationship. Keep in mind that couples who successfully venture into non-monogamy do so slowly, with firm boundaries, and a lot of communication. While other couples may prefer a don’t-ask-don’t tell approach to avoid being triggered.

Negotiating with Your Partner to Incorporate Some Kinky Play

If your partner isn’t naturally inclined toward kink but is open to exploration, negotiation becomes key. It’s important to approach these discussions with curiosity, respect, and patience rather than frustration or coercion. Remember, if your partner feels pressured to explore your kinky fantasies, then they are not giving enthusiastic consent.

Start by having an open and honest conversation about what kink means to you and why it’s important. Instead of framing it as a problem, express it as an opportunity for deepening intimacy and connection. If your partner is open but hesitant, focus on baby steps rather than expecting them to jump into a full BDSM dynamic.

Here are some ways to ease your partner into kinky play:

Compassion: Compassionately listen to your partner’s concerns and fears, without negotiating or talking them out of it. Sometimes just being allowed to state their fears to a willing listener will diminish their concerns.

Start with Light Exploration: If your partner is unsure, introduce mild forms of kink that don’t require a big psychological leap. Playful power dynamics, light bondage (such as blindfolds or silk ties), or guided teasing can be a good entry point. Begin your exploration with a 5 minute scene, or one fully clothed, so that your partner is not overwhelmed during their first experience. When you are just beginning, everything doesn’t need to happen all at once.

Education and Resources: Sometimes, a partner’s reluctance comes from a lack of understanding. Working with a BDSM/kink coach, listening to podcasts, or reading about BDSM together can demystify kink and make them feel more comfortable.

Compromise and Balance: Be willing to engage in intimacy in ways that excite them as well. Relationships thrive on mutual pleasure, so find ways to ensure both of you are having your needs met.

Use a Yes/No/Maybe List: Have an open discussion using a checklist of different kinks and activities. Your partner may be surprised to find that certain things they originally dismissed actually interest them when presented in a new way.

Finding a Sustainable Solution

Every couple’s situation is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to handling a kink gap. What matters most is that both partners feel heard, respected, and valued in the process. Some couples find a happy medium where the vanilla partner is comfortable engaging in light kink, while others prefer to keep their sex life more traditional but allow for external outlets.

Regardless of the path you choose, clear communication and ongoing check-ins are essential. The good news is that needs and boundaries evolve over time, so what doesn’t work today might become possible in the future with trust and patience. Similarly, the way you cope with your desires now may shift over time as you grow in your relationship and self-awareness.

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to make your partner into someone they’re not but to find a way for both of you to feel satisfied and fulfilled. Whether through personal exploration, alternative outlets, or gentle integration of kink into your shared experiences, there are many ways to honor your desires while maintaining a strong and loving relationship.