Why We Like It Rough (Sometimes)
Let’s get one thing straight: enjoying BDSM does not mean you are broken, traumatized, or depraved. Your kinks are not problems to solve – they are acts of rebellion in a world that fears desire.
Despite what pop psych blogs or that one overzealous aunt might say, not everyone who enjoys being tied up, bossed around, or praised like a deity had a rough childhood or some dark secret. Trauma with a capital T is not the origin story for every kinkster. Sometimes, your love for leather and obedience has nothing to do with your past – and everything to do with your emotional present.
So if this blog isn’t about trauma, what is it about? Feelings! Deep, dark, often-ignored emotional truths hiding beneath your turn-ons. Let’s pull back the dungeon curtain and talk about why BDSM hits us in the feels.
When someone asks what turns us on, we usually list acts: spanking, bondage, power play, butt stuff. That’s just the what. The real fire comes from the how – how those things make us feel.
We want to feel things, not just do something.
Core Desires
Coined by Somatica Institute’s Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman, the concept of Core Desires asserts that our kinks, like all our sexual desires, are emotionally motivated. We crave certain sex acts because they let us feel something we’ve been missing, something we deeply need – connection, freedom, devotion, surrender, control, and so on.
You and nine others might all love being flogged, but you’re each chasing different emotional highs. For you, it might be about catharsis. For them, perhaps validation. The act is the gateway; the feeling is the destination.
Missing Experience Theory: Healing with a Paddle
Some of our sexual desires stem from “missing experiences” – emotional needs that went unmet growing up. Maybe you never felt safe, or praised, or allowed to misbehave. Those gaps stick around. But here’s the sexy twist: through kink, you can fulfill those missing experiences in delectably embodied ways.
For instance:
If you grew up under tight control or with a helicopter parent? Exhibitionism might help you reclaim power over your body.
Raised to be the “good girl/boy/they”? Roleplaying as the naughty one might feel wildly freeing.
Burdened by religious guilt? Kink can offer a playground of hedonism and structured naughtiness.
Our kinks are not about reliving trauma, but rather about rewriting it – on your own terms, with safe words, lube, and aftercare.
Repetition with Agency: Rewriting the Script
Another psychological gem from Harel and Hirschman is repetition with agency. The idea is this: we often reenact emotional themes from the past, but this time we’re in charge. BDSM lets you create a container for this work, which aids you in feeling empowered and safe.
Someone who once felt helpless might choose to dominate – not to flip the script, but to author it. Someone praised only for being a high achiever might find bliss in “failing” as a bratty sub and still being loved.
BDSM can be like staging a powerful emotional remix: same chords, different beat, better ending.
Jack Morin’s Erotic Equation: The Thrill of the Obstacle
Let’s talk dirty math: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.
Psychotherapist Jack Morin proposed that our most potent sexual themes often arise from the mix of desire and tension. It’s that “I shouldn’t… but I really want to” feeling that ignites the erotic brain.
Maybe your kink developed in adolescence, when pleasure collided with guilt, curiosity clashed with shame, or desire got tangled with disapproval. Those early imprints become the blueprint for what gets us off – not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically.
So if your biggest turn-on is being punished by a strict headmaster or praised as a perfect toy, chances are some teenage part of you is still craving resolution – with a side of orgasm.
Hello, Shadow-Self
Carl Jung, the original psycho-spiritual Dom, had a theory about the shadow-self – the parts of us we reject or hide because they don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be.
You might be the take-charge CEO who secretly wants to be tied down. Or the caretaker who dreams of ordering someone around for once. These aren’t contradictions – they’re invitations to wholeness. A means to achieve psychological balance.
BDSM is a playground to meet your shadow-self without judgment. Want to explore your inner tyrant or your hidden need to worship someone? Cool. It’s all part of becoming more fully, authentically you.
Jung also talked about archetypes. Dominants might tap into the Ruler or Warrior. Subs might embody the Innocent or Devotee. BDSM isn’t just sex – it’s erotic cosplay.
Taboo = Dopamine
Why does doing something “naughty” feel so damn good? Because your brain loves taboo. Evolutionary psychology suggests we’re wired to be excited by novelty, danger, and the forbidden. That’s right – a little risk revs the reward center. It’s like eating cake in bed at midnight, but way hotter. Roleplay, humiliation, worship, degradation – all of these light up the parts of our brain that say, “Ooh, this isn’t allowed… let’s do it again.” But in BDSM, the consequences (or danger) aren't real. They’re simulated. You get the thrill without the fallout. Which makes kink a kind of emotional roller coaster – terrifying, thrilling, and ultimately safe.
Flow and Subspace: Getting High on Kink
Ever been so into a scene you lost all sense of time and ego? That’s called flow, and in BDSM it shows up in spades. Psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (say that five times fast) defined flow as a state of total absorption. It’s where your mind, body, and emotions are fully immersed – and it feels amazing. For submissives, this can deepen into subspace, a trance-like state where you feel euphoric, surrendered, and floating. For Dominants, there’s Domspace – that laser-focused presence and control that feels like superpowers. These altered states aren’t just fun, they can also be healing. Flow and subspace allow us to drop the armor, shut out the noise, and be completely, exquisitely present.
So… Why BDSM?
Because BDSM is a creative expression, like naughty art therapy. It’s a way to feel things we’ve been craving – connection, control, devotion, freedom, fear, adoration – in a space where nothing is off-limits, as long as it's consensual.
Whether you're healing old wounds, reclaiming your power, or simply chasing that rush of surrender or control, kink gives you a place to play with all your inner selves. It's emotional alchemy – turning shame into power, pain into pleasure, conflict into catharsis. At the end of the day, it’s not about what happened to you. It’s about what you want to feel – and how kink lets you feel it, fully, safely, and spectacularly.
An Exercise to Discover Your Core Desires
By tracing arousal back to the feelings that fuel it, you get to the root of what really turns you on, emotionally and psychologically. Think of this like a sexy little treasure hunt, except the treasure is your pleasure.
Take a moment to think back on your most deliciously memorable erotic experiences – the ones that stayed with you, sparked fantasies, or still make you bite your lip when they cross your mind. What were you feeling in those moments? Desired? Naughty? Worshipped? Free?
Start wherever your arousal tends to bloom: fantasies during masturbation, moments with a partner, a hot flashback to that one unforgettable night, or even a scene from a movie or your favorite spicy book. What kind of porn do you gravitate toward? Are there search terms that always do the trick? Does slow-burn romance or edge-of-control kink light your fire? Pay attention to what themes show up again and again – those are your clues.
Your erotic imagination is a playground of insight. Anything that consistently revs your engine is a doorway into understanding the emotional states that bring you the most pleasure. Please read through the entire list below then select the emotions that best reflects how you generally want to feel during an erotic experience (choose 1-3):
