Overcoming Jealousy

Many years ago, my partner and I were having a threesome with a new lover. We had been in bed together for a couple hours, having a fun and sexy time. Everything was going great, until it suddenly wasn’t. One moment, I was laying on my side, enjoying the view of my partner and our guest-star making out, then the very next moment I was overwhelmed by intense jealousy. I was shocked by how quickly my thoughts transformed from, “Damn, they are so hot!” to “They don’t even care if I’m here. I could get out of bed and they wouldn’t even notice.” Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to not react. Instead, I became curious. What happened? Why am I feeling this way? What do I need? 

Why We Experience Jealousy

Jealousy is a funny thing. It can pop up when we least expect it, and often when we least want it to. We have lots of weird cultural perspectives regarding jealousy, ranging from romanticizing to pathologizing a normal emotion. 

Psychological Theories

Psychologically, sexual jealousy is influenced by several emotional and cognitive factors. One possible explanation for jealousy is offered by attachment theory, which focuses on how early relationships with caregivers influence our emotional bonds later in life. People with anxious attachment perceive even small threats to the relationship as deeply distressing, which triggers jealousy. Individuals with avoidant attachment might exhibit jealousy but attempt to distance themselves emotionally to avoid vulnerability.

Another psychological explanation comes from cognitive appraisal theories, which suggest that jealousy arises from how we interpret or perceive situations. People who view their self-worth in relation to their partner's attention are more likely to experience intense jealousy. Perceived inadequacies, such as physical appearance, social status, or sexual competence, may amplify the fear of being replaced or losing a partner to a rival.

Cultural and Social Influences

In American culture, sexual jealousy is often accepted as normal or even encouraged. Jealousy is often considered romantic, and a typical part of the dating experience. Traditional gender roles often reinforce different expectations for men and women regarding fidelity. For instance, in most cultures, men’s sexual jealousy is seen as a reflection of dominance and control over women, whereas women’s jealousy may be dismissed or pathologized as irrational or overly emotional.

Social comparison also plays a role in fueling jealousy. With the rise of social media, where individuals constantly present curated versions of their lives, the opportunity for comparison has intensified. Seeing others’ seemingly perfect relationships can trigger feelings of inadequacy and heighten jealousy.

There are subcultures, however, that have a very different take on jealousy. In some ethical non-monogamy communities, jealousy is viewed as a personal failing and a sign that someone has not done the work to eliminate the experience of jealousy. That’s right, some people believe that they are not allowed to feel jealous, and that experiencing this emotion somehow makes them a bad person or less evolved, enlightened - whatever. Some people claim to have removed their capacity for jealousy, as if they could excise an emotion entirely. While I completely understand why someone would endeavor to prevent themselves from feeling something as uncomfortable as jealousy, we cannot choose which emotions we feel and when we feel them. But we can decide what to do when we feel them.

Back to my threesome…

I’m lying in bed, secretly fuming, while I watch my lovers having sex. Instead of unleashing my sudden and intense inner turmoil upon them, I began internally investigating what had happened in the moments leading up to my very quiet meltdown. Then it hit me - I was tired and wanted to go to sleep! I wanted the evening to end so that I could rest, but I couldn’t sleep if my lovers were still hooking up in my bed. 

Once I understood what was actually happening inside me, it was easy to gently interrupt my partner and lover, tell them I was tired and wanted to sleep, then asked if they would be okay calling it a night. Unsurprisingly, they were both absolutely happy to give me what I asked for, and my jealousy disappeared. 

In the days following, I thought a lot about this interaction and came to the conclusion that my jealousy was a symptom of unmet needs. Which made me wonder if that could be true of most jealousy. In my experience, it is. Sexual jealousy typically arises in situations in which we perceive a threat to our romantic or sexual relationship, provoking feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity, and sometimes anger. This experience is deeply rooted in human psychology, as it is tied to our fundamental need to secure bonds and ensure relational success. 

Seven Steps to Resolving Jealousy

To alleviate the sting of jealousy in my life, I came up with the following steps which I now teach to my clients. Not only do these steps help address and resolve jealousy when it occurs, this method also helps people predict what will trigger feelings of jealousy (their own as well as partner’s) and prevent the trigger from occurring. Remember, we cannot eliminate jealousy altogether, but we can choose how we react to it, and we can certainly plan for it.

1. Identify that you are feeling jealous. Jealousy can often hide behind more empowering (less vulnerable) emotions such as anger. If you become suddenly angry and you aren’t entirely sure why, it makes sense to take a moment to become curious about your emotional state before doing anything about how you feel. Afterall, it’s difficult to make the correct intervention if you do not know how you feel. 

2. Become curious about what specifically triggered your feelings of jealousy. This step isn’t as simple as, “She smiled at him and that’s wrong,” but that’s a great place to start. Pull on that thread: Was it her smile? Was it her attention on another person? Was it the guy she smiled at? If it’s about him specifically, why is it about him? Does he make you feel a specific way? Create the story about why this event made you jealous.

3. Identify the trigger. Create the story about why this event made you jealous so you can identify exactly what you do not want to have happen in the future. Isolating the trigger for jealousy enables us to plan how to deal with it or avoid it in the future. 

4. Identify your needs. Identifying our own needs is a major component of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. When it comes to feelings of jealousy, understanding what you need from your partner when you feel jealous in the moment ( i.e. verbal reassurance, a hug, or clarification about their behavior) is a way for you to soothe jealousy together. Additionally, through communicating your needs to your partner, you may create agreements about how to prevent certain jealousy triggers or agreements about how you respond to each other’s jealousy as a team. 

5. Ask for what you want. You must ask your partner for what you need. Hoping that they will know exactly what to do to make you feel better is a great way to feel disappointment and frustration. Even if they made a choice that seems like it would obviously make you feel jealous, it may not be obvious to them. Communicate how you are feeling and what happened to make you feel this way (without blaming them or making them wrong). If you tell them how horrible they are, your partner will most likely focus on protecting themselves rather than giving you the care you need. If you’re too triggered to speak - that’s okay, taking time to calm down and get some space is often helpful. Go easy on yourself - asking for what you need the next morning is just as good as asking in the moment.

6. Be prepared to repeat and communicate further, as needed. Sometimes asking for something once isn’t enough, sometimes you have to ask for the same things ten times before it sticks. Or, your partner applies the intervention you requested and your feelings still get hurt. Don’t give up! Keep communicating.

7. Actively receive your nourishment. When your partner makes an effort to give you what you need, let it be nourishing. This means mindfully letting in the care they are providing and allowing it to impact your emotional state. If you are holding on to your anger or jealousy, it is almost impossible to let the good stuff in. We must want to calm down and be cared for, then we need to allow it to happen before our feelings can resolve.

Emotions are not logical, so try not to use binary thinking when addressing your difficult emotions or your partner’s. All of our emotions are trying to tell us something, and if we don’t listen to our inner self, and treat our emotions with the attention they deserve, then they will only come back - bigger, badder, and less easy to ignore.

Here is another personal anecdote, which will hopefully give you some perspective on how illogical and hilarious jealousy can be. My partner and I are not monogamous, but for the first few years of our relationship we rarely hooked-up with others on our own. My partner had a huge crush on a very hot woman for a couple years and he was very excited when she finally became available for some fun. Before their date, I was already feeling some insecurity because he had been very vocal about his excitement for a couple weeks and she was absolutely gorgeous. I also had felt a little snubbed by her at a social event. Anyways, the date happened and I was feeling okay about it; a little tender but okay.

Then my partner said the now forbidden word -

he called her special and I lost my fucking mind. 

We fought about this for two weeks. Specifically, about why she was so damn special. It turns out that I have a trigger around the word special. Feeling special is part of my CET (core erotic theme) and it also helps me feel secure in a non-monogamous relationship if I believe my partner sees me as the most special. Once I identified why I was triggered, I could then figure out what I needed going forward and I asked my partner to never use the word special when referring to another lover. He agreed. 

My need may seem ridiculous or bizarre, but it works for me and it was something my partner was happy to do for me.

Creating Relationship Security 

Unfortunately, some people are stuck in their jealousy, whether they are in a relationship or single. Overcoming sexual jealousy requires a multi-pronged approach that includes open communication, emotional awareness, and self-improvement. By addressing both individual insecurities and relational dynamics, people can reduce the intensity of jealous feelings and build stronger, more trusting relationships. Whether through personal reflection, mindfulness practices, or professional therapy, there are many tools available to help individuals navigate the complex emotions that come with sexual jealousy.

1. Improve Communication and Transparency

Often, jealousy stems from misunderstandings or misperceptions about a partner's behavior. By fostering clear communication, partners can clarify intentions, address insecurities, and dispel fears before they escalate into jealousy. Couples are encouraged to express their needs, fears, and boundaries openly, while also listening empathetically to their partner’s concerns. I cannot emphasize the importance of open and honest communication in relationships enough. 

Active listening—paying close attention to what a partner is saying without judgment—helps create an environment of trust and emotional security. A partner who feels heard and understood is less likely to act out of jealousy.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Sexual jealousy can be exacerbated by exaggerated beliefs, such as "If my partner is talking to someone else, they will leave me" or "If I’m not constantly vigilant, I will lose my partner." These cognitive distortions create unnecessary anxiety and stress. Becoming more mindful of automatic thoughts and learning to question them, and even coming up with new, positive language and thoughts is an effective way of changing your relationship to jealousy. Instead of assuming the worst-case scenario, individuals can ask themselves if there is evidence to support their fears or whether they are projecting insecurity onto their partner. Reframing these thoughts to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship can reduce the intensity of jealous feelings.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques are often used to help individuals challenge the irrational or negative thoughts that fuel jealousy. 

3. Strengthen Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Low self-esteem is a significant contributor to jealousy. People who lack confidence in themselves are more likely to compare themselves to others and fear that they will be replaced by someone "better." Building self-esteem through self-compassion, recognizing personal strengths, and focusing on self-growth can reduce jealousy.

Engaging in activities that promote self-worth outside of the relationship, such as pursuing hobbies, professional growth, personal development, surrounding yourself with positive friends and family, and boundarying yourself away from negative voices can all be helpful when improving self-esteem. When individuals feel more secure in themselves, they are less likely to base their self-worth solely on their partner’s attention or validation, making them less prone to jealousy.

4. Strengthen Emotional Bonds

Couples can work to build trust and emotional security by spending quality time together, practicing physical affection, reinforcing commitment and investing in open communication. Reassurance from a partner—through verbal affirmations or loving actions—can help alleviate fears of abandonment. Regularly expressing appreciation and love can create a stronger sense of security, making it easier to manage jealous feelings when they arise.

5. Avoid Triggering Situations

Identifying and avoiding situations that are likely to trigger jealousy is another practical approach. This might involve setting healthy boundaries with partners regarding behaviors that could provoke insecurity. It’s important that boundaries are discussed mutually, without exerting control or fostering resentment. The aim is to foster respect and trust rather than impose restrictions that can damage the relationship.

6. Practice Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness-based practices can help individuals gain better control over their emotional responses to jealousy. Mindfulness teaches people to observe their emotions without judgment, allowing them to accept feelings of jealousy without immediately reacting to them. Deep breathing, meditation, and journaling are some techniques that can help regulate emotions in moments of jealousy. These strategies can provide a calming effect, giving individuals time to process their feelings before acting on them. This is particularly useful in preventing impulsive actions that could damage the relationship.

7. Relationship Coaching

In cases where sexual jealousy becomes deeply embedded in a relationship, relationship coaching may be necessary. Coaching provides a neutral space for partners to discuss their insecurities and jealousy with the guidance of a trained professional. Couples can work on improving communication, establishing trust, and addressing unresolved issues that may be fueling jealousy. Coaching can also help couples identify whether jealousy is based on real issues within the relationship or individual insecurities that need separate attention.

Jealousy is a complex emotion that can surface unexpectedly, often driven by unmet needs, insecurities, or emotional triggers. While it may feel overwhelming in the moment of intense jealousy, taking the time to identify the root cause and communicate openly with your partner can transform jealousy into an opportunity for growth - even if it takes you five minutes or the next day. By understanding our emotional landscape and addressing what we truly need, we can navigate jealousy with compassion and clarity. Ultimately, it's not about eliminating jealousy but learning to respond to it in a way that strengthens relationships and fosters emotional resilience.