The Alluring Femme Dom

I am a femme dom. This means that I am a feminine person who is also dominant, but this also means that I wield my femininity as a tool for control, power, and domination. A femme dom takes on the dominant role in a BDSM experience or relationship. She exerts control, power, and authority over her submissive partner(s), who may be any gender. This D/s dynamic can manifest in various forms, from gentle guidance to strict discipline, and often includes activities like bondage, discipline, role-playing, and more. Being a femme dom is not just about sexual dominance; it encompasses psychological, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual dimensions of power exchange.

Femininity Spectrum

A femme is a term often used within LGBTQ+ communities to describe a person who identifies as female or non-binary, who expresses their gender in a traditionally feminine manner. This can include aspects of appearance, such as clothing and makeup, as well as demeanor. But it's important to note that femme identity is about more than just outward presentation; it is also a cultural and political identity. The term became popular in the lesbian community as a label for queer women who presented in a manner that adhered to Western cultural standards of femininity. Now, the term "femme" is embraced by a wider range of individuals across the gender and sexuality spectrum, celebrating a diversity of femininities, such as trans-femme; for trans people skewing their gender expression towards feminine. 

Femininity is a spectrum that is implicitly coded in our culture. At one end of the spectrum is the high fem; think Barbie. She adheres to contemporary beauty standards of body type, how she dresses, high heels, always wears make-up, etc. At the other end of the femininity spectrum is a butch; think comedians Tig Notaro and Hannah Gadsby, or the character Poussey Washington in Orange is the New Black. In the middle of the spectrum is a tom boy, or a long-haired butch. As girls, these individuals identified as female but focused on more traditionally masculine activities like sports, rather than dolls and dress-up. An example of this is the character Rue Bennett in Euphoria. 

My identity as a femme dom facilitates my expression of my power as a feminine person rather than replicating how men tend to assert power. In our culture, power is typically associated with masculinity and often looks like force, physical strength, wealth, anger, stoicism, and general dick-swinging. Masculinity is linked to dominance, because humans have primarily existed in patriarchal, misogynistic societies. But as a Femme Dom, I use power differently. While the ultimate results can be the same, the methods are distinct. 

Objectification

The objectification of femininity involves reducing women to their physical appearance or gendered traits, stripping them of individuality and autonomy. This issue is deeply rooted in patriarchal societies, where women and femmes are valued based on how well they conform to societal expectations of femininity, such as beauty and submissiveness. This objectification manifests in various forms, including media portrayals and everyday interactions, often leading to sexualization, marginalization, and the devaluation of femmes.

In both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ contexts, femmes face unique challenges, including fetishization and erasure, which can intersect with other forms of oppression like racism and ableism. The impact is profound, leading to mental health struggles and pressure to conform to unattainable beauty, body, and behavioral standards.

What’s in it for Femme Doms?

1. The Thrill of Power and Control

One of the most significant aspects of being a femme dom is the power dynamic. In a world where femmes are often expected to be submissive, the role of a dominant femme can be incredibly empowering. As a femme dom, I hold the reins, I set the rules, and I uphold the boundaries. This control can be intoxicating, offering a space where I can fully explore and express my power without societal constraints.

The power exchange is not about cruelty or abuse; it’s about consensual control and the deep satisfaction that comes from wielding power responsibly. For many femme doms, the act of guiding, leading, and even challenging our submissive partners provides a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. It’s a space where their desires, once repressed or marginalized, can be fully realized.

2. Deep Emotional and Psychological Connection

Contrary to common misconceptions, the D/s dynamic in BDSM is often rooted in deep emotional and psychological connections. Being a femme dom involves more than just giving orders; it requires understanding our partner’s desires, fears, and limits. This intimate knowledge creates a bond that is profoundly deep and meaningful.

For many femme doms, the emotional connection with our submissive partners is one of the most rewarding aspects of our role. A submissive’s trust is a gift, and we as femme doms, cherish and nurture that trust through our actions and attention. In many cases, a submissive’s willingness to submit is seen as an expression of devotion, and vulnerability. This, in turn, can make femme doms feel cherished, respected, and appreciated. 

3. Exploration of Identity and Sexuality

Being a femme dom is not just about dominating another person; it’s about embracing one’s own desires, fantasies, and strengths. Being a femme dom allows us to step outside of the societal expectations of femininity and fully embrace our sexual and personal power without replicating masculinity. This exploration often leads to greater self-confidence and a deeper understanding of our own desires. It’s an opportunity to challenge societal norms and redefine what it means to be powerful and to be a femme.

4. Empowerment

The journey of becoming a femme dom is often one of personal growth and empowerment. It’s a role that requires confidence, assertiveness, and a deep understanding of our own needs and desires. The empowerment that comes from being a femme dom often extends beyond the bedroom. The confidence and assertiveness developed in this role can positively impact other areas of our lives, such as work, friendships, and personal boundaries. It’s a journey that encourages femmes to take control of our lives, embrace our power, and demand respect in all areas of our life.

5. The Exhilaration of Giving and Receiving Pleasure

At its core, the role of a femme dom is about pleasure—both giving and receiving. Pleasure can be derived from the physical acts themselves, the psychological power exchange, or the emotional connection that is forged between partners. For many femmes, the dominant role allows us to experience pleasure in ways that are deeply fulfilling and aligned with our true selves. For femme doms, there is joy in the control, the power, and the ability to fulfill both our own desires and those of our submissive partners.

What’s in it for submissives?

Surrender is inherently seductive. The opportunity to sexually surrender to a dominant is appealing to people of all genders because submission provides a temporary escape from decision-making; removing the burden of responsibility, allowing them to relax and be taken care of by a powerful, confident partner. All submissives long for a break from the stress and monotony of the everyday and an invitation to focus on their pleasure. Dominants provide submissives with this invitation, and facilitate their experience of pleasure. Femme doms provide something a little extra.

1. Taboo

The appeal of the Femme Dom presents the same temporary escape, but with an added twist of taboo or naughtiness. Since femininity is culturally linked to submission, people who seek out a Femme Dom, whether they be cis men, queer women, or people who live their lives in a more masculine manner, are subverting a powerful standard of power. Femmes tend to be seen sexually as passive objects and submissive, so a Femme Dom is inherently taboo.

2. Safety in Vulnerability

Masculine people are pressured to conform to the ideals of rigid masculinity: stoicism, physical strength, control, dominance, etc. Vulnerability is often equated with weakness and surrender or submission is distinctly feminine. Many masculine people feel trapped in their adherence to these rigid standards and long for a respite, but they do not feel safe to surrender to another masculine person. Submitting to a femme dom provides a safe space to explore vulnerability and express emotions that might otherwise be suppressed while adhering to the masculinity standards of our culture . 

3. Embrace of Feminine Power

Admiration for feminine power and authority can be a significant factor in the attraction to femme doms. Many people, wherever they land on the masculine/feminine spectrum, find the confidence, strength, and assertiveness of a femme dom deeply alluring. This admiration goes beyond physical appearance, appreciating the embodiment of feminine power in a society that often undervalues it.

4. Initiation of Desire

Typically, a masculine person has a social imperative to pursue and initiate sex. Submitting to a femme dom can be freeing and relieving from this responsibility because she will express her desire or acknowledge her submissive’s desire proactively. Femme doms provide a critical missing experience for their submissives – the experiencing of the desirable other making the first move. 

Consent & Communication

No discussion of BDSM would be complete without mentioning consent and communication. Communication and consent are paramount in submissive dynamics, as in all BDSM relationships. Before engaging in submissive play, both partners must clearly discuss their boundaries, limits, and expectations. Establishing safe words and signals is essential to ensure that all activities remain consensual and enjoyable. Safe words allow the submissive to indicate when the play needs to stop or slow down, ensuring their physical and emotional safety.

Before exploring BDSM, it is crucial for both the Dominant and the submissive to have a clear understanding of their own desires, limits, and boundaries. Knowing what they want and what they don’t want is the best way to ensure a fulfilling experience. Proactive communication, including clearly expressing needs and desires, enables Dominants to create an experience that aligns with their submissive’s expectations and enhances pleasure.

There is no consent without prior communication.