The Good, the Bad, and the Brat: A submissive’s motivation to surrender.

A common fallacious belief about BDSM is that submissives are required to do whatever a dominant wants, regardless of the submissive’s preferences. Obviously this isn’t true, because very few people would be willing to submit if they believed that they were not going to have a good time. 

Think about it this way: If you have a bad sexual experience with someone, are you excited to play with them again?

BDSM is similar to most types of sexual connection, in that not all partners are well suited for each other, some experiences are better than others, and we tend to prefer people who prioritize our pleasure. But for some reason, people are really stuck on this idea that a criteria of submission is sacrificing your pleasure. How crazy is that? 

As a BDSM expert and practitioner, I can assure you that submissives surrender because they are seeking pleasure – physical, emotional, psychological, and relational. While the forms in which pleasure is received and administered can look quite different from person to person, it’s still all pleasure. 

The way a Dominant treats their submissive matters, because a submissive's needs are distinct. Their emotional and psychological needs, or Core Erotic Theme (CET) are the underlying motivator for submission. CET is the emotional or psychological component of our sexual desire. When we feel what we want to feel emotionally/psychologically, we become more aroused, experience more pleasure, and attain deeper fulfillment from our sexual experiences. Even if two individuals enjoy the exact same types of sexual activities, in the exact same way, they are most likely having a different emotional experience. When a submissive understands what motivates them, they are more capable of communicating their needs to their Dominant. A masterful Dominant knows that discovering the underlying motivations of their submissive is the key to controlling them and providing them with pleasure. 

This part is important, so pay attention. All submissives have a primary motivator that provides Dominates access to their CET, which is the deepest desire of the submissive. Think of these following three categories as a cheat code that when utilized appropriately makes it easier and more pleasurable for Dominants to attain control and for submissives to surrender.

I call them the Good, the Bad, and the Brat.

Good: Praise & Affirmation

The good submissive wants to please their Dominant, and they are willing to go to great lengths to experience approval. They derive arousal and pleasure from receiving verbal affirmations, compliments, and praise from their Dominant. A good needs to know that they are doing things well, that they are desirable, and that their Dominant is pleased to be playing with them. If the good is set up to fail, they will struggle and most likely will not have a pleasurable experience. If the good needs to be punished for an infraction, or if the Dominant just feels like punishing them, forgiveness and praise must follow the punishment. 

Some submissives experienced a lack of affirmation and praise in their formative years, which results in an unmet emotional need that is finally experienced via being a good submissive. 

For some submissives, the desire to be good is about the validation and confidence boost that comes with hearing words of admiration. This could include compliments about their physical appearance, sexual prowess, or even their personality traits. For others, it may be the feeling of being desired and appreciated that fuels their arousal. Phrases like "You look so sexy," "You're amazing at this," or "I’m proud of you" can trigger intense arousal. The specific language and tone used are often tailored to what the submissive finds most stimulating – their CET.

Try This!

Ask your submissive: “Are you going to be a good X and do everything I tell you?”

If they light up, smile, nod emphatically – congratulations – you have a good sub! If they look at you puzzled, or you see a gleam of defiance in their eyes, move on to one of the other probes. 

The Bad: Debasement and Punishment

The bad submissive longs to be punished or debased. They have a voice inside them that whispers, “I know I’m bad and finally someone is going to see it too.” Or, “I deserve to be punished.” Some submissives crave mild forms of punishment, such as spanking, light bondage, or verbal reprimands. While others desire more intense activities like flogging, whipping, or humiliation (both physical and verbal). 

A bad often thrives within a framework of established rules and protocols. In many D/s relationships, the submissive partner agrees to adhere to specific rules set by the dominant partner. Punishment is administered when these rules are broken or not followed to the dominant's satisfaction. For a bad, receiving punishment can fulfill a desire for submission, surrender, and even a form of catharsis. The act of being punished can release feelings of guilt or shame, providing an emotional and physical release that enhances sexual pleasure. There is also a taboo element of being a bad submissive, because they crave and derive pleasure from feelings that society tells them they should not (i.e. shame, humiliation, sexism, racism, etc.)

It is important to distinguish between consensual erotic punishment and abuse. Erotic punishment, when practiced responsibly, involves clear communication, consent, and respect for boundaries. Abuse, on the other hand, involves coercion, lack of consent, and harm. Understanding and maintaining this distinction is vital for the well-being of both submissives and Dominants.

Try This!

Look your submissive in the eyes, and say: “You don’t deserve to be here, and I am going to punish you for wasting my time.” Or tell them, “You look like someone who needs to be punished.” 

In either case, your submissive will most likely drop their head and nod, begin to breathe rapidly, or shiver a little. All of these are a good sign that you have a bad submissive longing for your discipline.

Remember - we’re looking for signs of pleasure!

The Brat: Defiance

Brat submissives are distinct because they express their submission through playful resistance, teasing, and misbehavior. Unlike “traditional” submissives who might strictly adhere to rules and seek to please their dominant, or seek punishment for being deficient in some way, brats derive pleasure from pushing boundaries and challenging their dominant in a consensual and controlled manner.

Brats enjoy testing the limits set by their dominant, often engaging in behaviors that invite corrective measures. This resistance is not about genuine disobedience or punishment, but rather creating a playful and provocative power struggle that both partners find stimulating. For a brat, the thrill lies in the tension between their rebelliousness and their underlying desire to be controlled and disciplined.

Brats often employ sarcasm, teasing, and playful taunts to provoke their Dominant. This can take many forms, from mild acts of disobedience, such as ignoring instructions or talking back, to more overt challenges like deliberately breaking rules. The dominant's response to these provocations is crucial in maintaining the dynamic. Masterful dominants understand the brat's need for attention and control and respond with firm but affectionate discipline, reinforcing the power exchange in a way that satisfies both parties.

For a dominant, managing a brat can be both challenging and rewarding, requiring a balance of patience, creativity, and authority to maintain control and keep the interactions engaging. Often, a brat can be so defiant that their dominant may question whether they actually want to submit at all. What’s important to remember here is that while brats love to fight, ultimately, they want to lose. If you are a dominant interacting with a brat, find something that they desire even more than they want to fight with you, and dangle it as a carrot for good behavior. 

Try This!

Look at your submissive and say, “I can tell you are going to be trouble.”

A brat will immediately light up, smile widely, and preen over being seen for the troublemaker they are. 

Consent and Communication

Consent

No discussion of BDSM would be complete without mentioning consent and communication. Communication and consent are paramount in submissive dynamics, as in all BDSM relationships. Before engaging in D/s, both partners must clearly discuss their boundaries, limits, and expectations. Establishing safe words and signals is essential to ensure that all activities remain consensual and enjoyable. Safe words allow the submissive to indicate when the play needs to stop or slow down, ensuring their physical and emotional safety.

Trust is another foundational element in submissive dynamics. A submissive must trust that their dominant will respect their limits and respond to their provocations in a safe and controlled manner. Similarly, the dominant must trust the submissive to communicate their boundaries and use safe words when necessary. This mutual trust deepens the emotional connection and enhances the overall experience for both partners.

Communication

Before exploring BDSM, it is crucial for both the Dominant and the submissive to have a clear understanding of their own desires, limits, and boundaries. Knowing what they want and what they don’t want is the best way to ensure a fulfilling experience. Proactive communication, including clearly expressing needs and desires, enables Dominants to create an experience that aligns with their submissive’s expectations and enhances pleasure.

There is no consent without prior communication.

In a broader societal context, the good, the bad, and the brat challenge conventional notions of submission and dominance. These distinct motivations highlight the diversity and complexity of power dynamics within BDSM relationships and underscore the importance of individuality and personality in sexual expression. Submission is not monolithic, and can encompass a wide range of behaviors and attitudes. While submissives can enjoy the exact same activities, what motivates them to participate in these activities can be very different. Understanding the motivations behind why individuals choose to submit in the realm of BDSM can reveal profound insights into human desire and the complexities of intimate relationships.