The Gift of Dominance
Key skills to become an excellent lover.
I am a great lover. I have done the research, collected thew data, and put in my 10,000 hours and counting. What sets me apart from the millions of teenage boys who have brazenly made the same declaration is that I actually know why I am a great lover, and I want you to have the same information that I have so you can approach sex with the same level of confidence.
Before I go any further I must mention consent. Everything I write here means nothing without enthusiastic consent. Got it? Good! Moving on…
My sexual confidence comes from being a masterful dominant. A dominant is the person in control during most sexual play involving BDSM. Another way to think about Domination is being a sexual leader, the person guiding the sexual experience. The most pleasurable kind of dominance is truly a gift, and I am a giver.
You may be thinking – I thought Doms get to do whatever they want and submissives have to do as they’re told. That belief is reductive, and leads to bad sex. Think about it this way: if you have a bad sexual experience with someone, are you super excited to have sex with them again? Fuck no! Why would this be any different in BDSM? Pro Doms can charge thousands of dollars an hour. Do you think they have a devoted clientele because they are selfish? Absolutely not!
Professional Dominatrixes provide the experience that their clients crave, which is what keeps those clients coming back for more.
So, what do submissives really want? They want to be held in a warm cloud of undivided attention. Within the warm cloud, they are not responsible for anything or anyone. The entire world melts away and they get to focus on their pleasure. Submissives want someone else to be in charge of showing them a good time. Dominants provide that good time.
Here’s a fun fact: people with submissive desires outnumber those of us with dominant desires three to one. That’s right, for every three submissives, there is only one of me.
Whether you are dominant, submissive or not at all interested in BDSM, the skills that make someone an excellent lover and a masterful Dom are the same. These skills apply to everyone who desires to have great sex. They are communication, knowing your Core Erotic Theme, curiosity, and pleasure.
1. Communication
The first skill is good communication. When I have a new lover, I always ask them the same question before anything too exciting happens: How do you like to come? Now, the way someone answers this question gives me a ton of information. First, it tells me how they like to orgasm, and in some cases if they can orgasm at all. Secondly, it tells me how well they know their own bodies, and lastly, how comfortable they are communicating about their needs.
Our ability to proactively communicate about sex maximizes the potential for pleasure and helps us avoid barriers to pleasure before they arise.
2. Core Erotic Theme
The second skill is understanding Core Erotic Theme (CET). This is the emotional and or psychological component of desire. As a Dom, I understand that everyone has their own motivations when it comes to submission. So, I cannot treat everyone the same. I will ask partners and clients how they want to feel, what they want to hear, and what they like to do. Their answers give me an idea of how they want to be treated. Some people like to be punished, because they are naughty, while others want to be praised for doing every dirty thing I tell them to do.
3. Curiosity
The third skill is curiosity. As the saying goes, knowledge is power. Most people don't know anything about sex, and that is not your fault. Sex education in this country ranges from abysmal to horrifying. So, unless you have made an effort to fill in the gaps of your knowledge there is crucial information you are missing.
I am insatiably curious about human sexuality. Because I am a Dom, , I have learned to do all the things I want to do and anything a partner might ask for. If you want more from sex than you are getting right now, then take a class, read a book or work with a coach!
4. Prioritize Pleasure
The fourth skill is prioritizing pleasure. We should become invested in all kinds of pleasure. Most of us are taught that pleasure is not inherently valuable and that the pursuit of pleasure is somehow a character flaw. In order to be an excellent lover, you must value pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Once you have accepted your own pleasure, and I mean wholeheartedly accepted what makes you feel good, it is much easier to accept what makes others feel good.
I want to challenge you to become sexually dominant by taking responsibility for your sexual experiences. At the very least, this includes: prioritizing pleasure, being insatiably curious, and exploring how emotions play a role in your satisfaction. Finally, I am begging you to talk to your lovers about sex. I promise it will be worth the effort.
Because I’m a giver, I will share one more helpful hint – giving generously in bed doesn’t always motivate others to give generously back, but it fucking helps!
This blog post is based on an Ignite Talk I gave in March, 2024. You can watch it here.